“If a flower does not bloom, fix the environment, not the flower” -Alexander den Heijer
As parents of toddlers, it is very easy to get caught in the trap of parenting reactively. Your child hits a sibling and you react. Your child pulls down every toy from the shelf and you react. It can feel like putting out a series of fires all day and it is, quite frankly, exhausting. One of the best ways to be more proactive about reducing problem behaviors is by changing your child’s environment to prevent these behaviors in the first place. With a little planning, you can improve behavior with a few changes.
Our Story
One of our hardest seasons of life was when my oldest was 2.5 years old and his baby brother was about 8 months old. It was 2020, so in addition to adjusting to having a new sibling, we were also quarantining due to the pandemic. Big Brother was having an extremely hard time adjusting to sharing my attention, and he could not tolerate his little brother so much as touching a toy. It didn’t matter if it was a baby toy or a scrap of paper on the floor, Big Brother would aggressively snatch it away. If I tried to give it back to Baby, it would send Big Bro into a full meltdown and he would continue to aggressively try to get it back. It had become a huge problem and it was literally impossible for Baby to have any peaceful playtime. I had significant concerns about Baby’s development because he was not getting the playtime he needed, not to mention he was becoming fearful of his older sibling.
I discussed my concerns with our pediatrician and our OT and they both suggested a gated area where Baby could play separately. We bought the tallest gates on the market and sectioned off an area in the house but it only took a couple hours for Big Brother to figure out how to scale it and the behavior continued. I tried reward charts for sharing but he wasn’t able to earn a single sticker. I felt completely helpless. This issue went on for MONTHS and no one seemed to have a solution so I decided to make some drastic changes to our home.
Step 1: Determine the Trigger of the Behavior
Since the root of the problem was fighting over toys, I decided to start by removing them from the equation entirely. There had been so many toys that were easily accessible that I had almost no control over when the problematic behaviors were occurring. I organized all our toys and put everything into the basement. This was not a punishment; this was simply a restructuring of our home until I could gain some control over the situation.
NOTE: In the Behavioral field, we often talk about the ABCs of behavior (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence). The antecedent is what precedes the negative behavior and the consequence is what occurs immediately after the behavior. If you are stumped as to why your child is exhibiting a certain behavior, filling out an ABC chart can be helpful in identifying the specific trigger for your child so you know what to change to prevent the behavior.
Step 2: Reflect on Positive Behaviors
When you are stuck in the trap of putting out fires for months on end, it can be very difficult to see your child’s strengths. Not to mention, when you are sleep-deprived and emotionally exhausted, it is hard to think clearly to create a game plan. My OT asked me if there were any times when the aggressive behavior wasn’t occurring, and I realized that any games that did not involve toys usually went well (singing songs together, hide-and-seek, reading, etc). I needed to use this information to my advantage.
Step 3: Modify the Daily Routine
I wrote down a detailed schedule for our day that focused on all the activities that Big Brother could tolerate, and I only included ONE short time slot that involved toys. The new routine itself significantly cut down on the problem behaviors and it was very encouraging. This honestly took a lot of thought to create a schedule that significantly reduced free play, but it was instrumental in improving our situation. I limited our activities to sensory (play doh, shaving cream, etc), singing/dancing, going for walks, playing hide and seek or pat-a-cake –– basically anything that didn’t involve toys.
NOTE: Our situation was extreme so I needed to temporarily do a complete overhaul of our schedule and I literally needed to map out every minute. Hopefully you will just have to tweak your schedule a bit and you can include more free play than us!
Step 4: Create a Behavior Plan
In the past, I had tried reward charts for sharing but he was never able to earn even one sticker because his behaviors were so persistent. In speaking with a psychologist, she recommended that I reward positive behaviors after only 1 second and build up from there. It might seem silly to reward your child after just 1 second but our case was extreme and we needed to start small. I started by taking 10 minutes out of the day to work on tolerating playtime. I told Big Brother that he could earn a sticker for allowing Baby to play each time our timer went off. After 10 stickers, he would earn a small toy. I would set my timer for 1 or 2 seconds, and immediately praise and give a sticker if he allowed Baby to play with a toy. Slowly, I was able to set my timer for 3 seconds, then 5 seconds, until we were able to work up to a full minute of him tolerating sharing toys. The immediate success was like a switch for him. It only took a day or two and the improvements we saw were incredible. I was able to increase our playtime to 30 minutes within the first week.
Step 5: Create a Social Story
I created a photo book that included pictures of the two brothers playing together with captions like, “I can help my little brother do XYZ,” “My brother thinks it’s funny when I ___,” “I use gentle hands with my baby brother,” etc. We read this often and my son loved seeing pictures of himself and it helped visually reinforce everything we had been talking about. There are tons of free, customizable templates for social stories that will give you a starting point.
Behavior is Communication
The most important thing to remember is that behavior is communication and every behavior serves a purpose. Your child may be seeking connection or attempting to avoid a certain activity. Analyzing the antecedents to the behavior and making changes to your child’s environment can drastically improve behavior. Let me know in the comments what behaviors you are struggling with at home. Good luck! You got this!